


still, i am

by disepherous



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS
Genre: M/M, Revolver is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 00:22:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14124090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disepherous/pseuds/disepherous
Summary: Maybe, Yusaku thinks briefly to himself later that day as he laid upon his bed. If love is as simple as what Kusanagi tells him, then would it be simple enough for Yusaku to say that he loves the voice? Or perhaps, he’s been in love with the voice the entire time and he never realized? He supposes he would be able to truly understand if he were to meet the voice someday—and he knew he would.Yes, maybe he did love the voice. In what way, he still didn’t know, but there was no doubt that the voice was everything to him during those hellish days.





	still, i am

**Author's Note:**

> wanted to write something before ep 45 airs so here's some... yusaku-centric word vomit as i try to get myself used to writing again
> 
> i can't believe yugioh vrains single-handedly took control of my entire life with the existence of ryoken and yusaku

Yusaku is thirteen years old when a girl confesses to him for the first time.

He doesn’t know who she is, but he vaguely recognizes her as the classmate who sits next to him in class. He doesn’t even remember her name or if they ever had a conversation together. Nevertheless, the girl is looking straight down at her shoes, avoiding Yusaku’s eyes, and stammering out a confession.

She tells him that she’s liked him ever since Yusaku saved her from a group of students who were trying to bully her near the back of the school. Yusaku can only remember that he had to throw out the trash for his cleaning duties and they were just blocking the way. There were no theatrics, nor any noble reasons for why Yusaku had intervened in the first place. His classmate, however, seems to remember the scene differently and tells him how she had always found him to be cold and unapproachable, but that brief moment had changed her entire perception of him. She tells him that he was like a prince that day.

Yusaku remembers a time when he was younger, in a room full of other children, gathered around one of the caregivers who read aloud a story about a noble prince who saved a captive princess. If he is a prince as she claims, would that make this girl the princess?

But Yusaku is no prince. He is no savior and he is no hero. And at the same time, it means that this girl is not his princess.

When he bluntly rejects her, she doesn’t look surprised, but merely smiles as if she had expected the answer.

“I knew I didn’t have a chance,” she says, eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I just wanted you to know.” Yusaku has no response for her, so she continues. “You must have someone you like, don’t you? Your own princess.”

_Think of three things._

A familiar voice repeats in his head. The voice that had saved him and given him strength when he felt like he had lost all hope. He still wonders where they are, how they are doing, if they are even safe—

If they aren’t, then Yusaku has to help them, even if he has little to no idea how.

If the prince is the one who saves and the princess is the one who is saved, he supposes then, that the owner of the voice must be his prince and also his princess.

(He later mentions the confession to Kusanagi, who bursts out in laughter for an irritatingly long amount of time.)

* * *

Yusaku is fifteen and in his final year of middle school when he thinks about what love is.

He’s hanging out at Café Nagi again, watching the young couples and happy families going about their day while he waits for Kusanagi to finish serving the last of his customers before going on his break.

“Kusanagi-san,” he calls as soon as the man puts up his apron. “What do you think love is?”

Kusanagi stares at him for a moment, still trying to comprehending the question when he responds with one of his own. “What brought this on all of a sudden?”

Yusaku shrugs. “I was just curious, I guess.” He pauses as his eyes wander around.

Following Yusaku’s gaze, Kusanagi sees what he means. “Beats me,” he answers with a sigh. “I don't think I've ever been in many serious relationships when I was your age or even now. I was always so concerned about…” he trails off, letting Yusaku fill in the rest of his words.

Yusaku knows he means his brother.

Yusaku doesn't find any problem in that. The Incident ten years ago still leaves gaping wounds in his very being even to this day. He couldn't even think about forming relationships with his peers when he spent every waking moment trying to uncover his haunting past. That was why he was so close to Kusanagi in the first place; they shared a similar goal and the skills to accomplish them.

“But what would it feel like to be in love?” Yusaku asks. _What would it feel like to be normal?_

Kusanagi smile wryly. “You’re asking the wrong person about that. I only have what I can remember being told as a kid.”

Yusaku rests his head against his hand and looks up at him, curious eyes betraying his attempt to look nonchalant. “And that is?”

“Hmm,” the other man hums in thought. “Well, they always said that when you love someone, you think about that person more. Or that just spending time with them makes you happy.”

“That’s it?”

Kusanagi laughs. “I told you I wasn’t an expert.”

Yusaku frowns to himself. “I thought it would be more complicated than that.”

“Maybe it doesn’t need to be complicated,” Kusanagi tells him.

Yusaku finds the answer isn’t anything eye-opening or revealing like he had initially expected it to be. The concept of love sounds so deceptively simple that it makes him even more confused about how anyone could possibly understand what it is. How can so many people be so sure that they are in love or are loved if the feeling was so ambiguous in the first place?

“Really, though, what brought this on?” Kusanagi asks. He leans towards Yusaku’s direction, a sly grin beginning to form on his face. “Don’t tell me, you-”

“No.” Yusaku cuts him off before he can finish. “You know I can’t.”

Kusanagi visibly winces, his grin quickly replaced with guilt. He offers an apology that isn’t really necessary at this point between them in their friendship, but Yusaku accepts it anyway.

They both know why Yusaku would never be able to experience his life in the same way as others his age. The shadowy tendrils of the Lost Incident still has a firm grasp on him; a constant reminder of how his life will never be the same ever again because of it. With the memories of ten years prior constantly haunting his every waking moment, he has no choice but to confront it if he ever desires to repair his broken life.

He has to find out the truth.

He has to help Kusanagi and his brother.

And most importantly, he has to save the owner of the voice.

Yusaku can still remember every word spoken to him that day, repeating them over and over to himself like a lifeline whenever the memories get too suffocating or the dreams get too vivid. The voice never failed to be his anchor for the last ten years, and Yusaku dreads what would have happened to him if the owner of the voice hadn’t spoken to him back then.

_Think of three things. You can still live. You gave it your all._

Maybe, Yusaku thinks briefly to himself later that day as he laid upon his bed. If love is as simple as what Kusanagi tells him, then would it be simple enough for Yusaku to say that he loves the voice? Or perhaps, he’s been in love with the voice the entire time and he never realized? He supposes he would be able to truly understand if he were to meet the voice someday—and he knew he would.

Yes, maybe he did love the voice. In what way, he still didn’t know, but there was no doubt that the voice was everything to him during those hellish days.

He falls asleep, dreaming of a voice with no face.

(A year later, Yusaku is sixteen and in high school when he discovers a connection between the Knights of Hanoi and the Incident of ten years ago and his heart fills with vengeance as he throws away whatever future he has to become Playmaker.)

* * *

Yusaku is sixteen when he finally, _finally_ , has a face to associate with the voice and with his greatest enemy.

Ten years have passed and Yusaku still remembers every word Kogami Ryoken had said to him that day. He remembers the bad days, when the memories get too real, and how he would repeat the words like a prayer until the pain becomes a dull ache. And on the good days, the voice is a comfort and a companion for when Yusaku had none.

He supposes that it _is_ ironic that Revolver is the same person who gave him the strength that allowed him to be Playmaker in the first place. But instead of anger, like how he should probably feel, Yusaku only feels relief that Revolver did not suffer like he did, although he now knows how the Incident had left permanent scars in his heart just like his.

Even with the Tower of Hanoi’s completion in only a matter of minutes, Yusaku can’t bring himself to truly confront Revolver as he had thought he could. He realizes that he doesn’t want to fight and that what he wanted all those years ago still rings true now; he wants to save the voice and wants to save Revolver. They are, after all, one and the same.

Right now, Yusaku is not fighting for revenge anymore. He tries to find the right words to describe his feelings and can only think of a single thing:

Love.

It’s not quite the same as how he always assumed it to feel, but his desire to help Revolver and break the chains that bind both of them to their pasts overcomes any anger that Yusaku felt only hours ago when he knew Revolver as only a man behind a mask. Now, he can’t help but reach out, even when he knows he probably shouldn’t.

Perhaps this, in its own way, is love.

He suddenly remembers one more thing that Kusanagi told him on that day.

_“There’s another thing that I heard about love,” Kusanagi adds while he’s grilling a new batch of hot dogs for the next round of customers. It makes Yusaku look up from his tablet screen, surprised that the conversation from before was still continuing. Kusanagi takes his eyes off the grill for a moment, meeting with Yusaku’s. “They always say that love makes you do crazy things.”_

_Yusaku doesn’t understand._

Yusaku understands now.

(It takes every nerve in Yusaku’s body to finally tell Ryoken, but the shower of kisses he receives in response makes it very much worth it, if not a little unnecessary.)

**Author's Note:**

> ryoken is yusaku's first love thanks for coming to my ted talk


End file.
